It was her birthday. She wore a sleeveless black dress which set off a cropped crown of blonde hair. A gold chain with a single sapphire pendant to match her eyes, was her only adornment . They had been married for a little more than three years. As they sat down at the restaurant table her husband said: "you look ravishing, truly ravishing. She knew that she did. Smiling in acknowledgement, she saw herself, as she had a few minutes earlier in the mirror, newly applied lipstick glistening on the swell of her lower lip as though she had just passed her tongue over it. She continued to smile while her husband, trying hard - he often did on such occasions - demanded, "What's going on in that lovely head of yours?"
She thought, that wine waiter has the face of a wolf, sharp and wild. Perhaps when he poured her wine he would drop a note into her lap. "I'll be in the car park. Meet me there now" "Now" underlined three times. He was already astride his motor bike. The engine was running. No crash helmet. None for her either. Without a word she hitched up her dress and mounted the pillion. Hair flying out behind them, his and hers. The bike was silent now by the track a few yards off. The heather was rough under her skin. The summer evening was scented with gorse and the waiter's sweat.
"Nothing," she said.
She thought, that wine waiter has the face of a wolf, sharp and wild. Perhaps when he poured her wine he would drop a note into her lap. "I'll be in the car park. Meet me there now" "Now" underlined three times. He was already astride his motor bike. The engine was running. No crash helmet. None for her either. Without a word she hitched up her dress and mounted the pillion. Hair flying out behind them, his and hers. The bike was silent now by the track a few yards off. The heather was rough under her skin. The summer evening was scented with gorse and the waiter's sweat.
"Nothing," she said.
Far better but then it didn't face the complexities that the first one did. More fun (assuming fun's the name of the game).Perhaps needs another sentence between "mounted the pillion." and "The bike was silent now" to indicate that the bike has, in fact, moved.
ReplyDeleteThanks for that. I will now add a sentence. Much appreciate the editing. Meanwhile I meant to say, do please add your story following the template if that is the right word.
ReplyDeleteI like the way this story covers a time span of just one or two seconds - the snapshot of what somebody's thinking juxtaposed with what they actually say is what made me laugh.
ReplyDelete